queenofzan: (Default)
queenofzan ([personal profile] queenofzan) wrote2010-01-21 11:06 pm

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Okay, so I've sort of had this sort of boyfriend for...I guess three and a half months now? But the thing is, he's pretty religious and so is his family and I'm...not. And see, it's been three and a half months, but as far as I know, his family has no idea. And I don't think he's ever referred to me as his girlfriend to anyone. We were in classes together for four and a half years, and now we don't have any classes together and I hardly see him. Over break, I didn't see him at all, because I stayed in Tempe and he lives like twenty five miles away on the other side of town, and he doesn't want to spring for gas money to get over here and I have no way of getting there. But of course, if his family doesn't know, then maybe he doesn't want me going over there.

So I never see him, and we don't really have that much to talk about through texting, I've found. Because while our sense of humor is the same and we're both theatre kids, we don't really have a lot of common interests outside of that. And I'm always really worried that what I'm talking about is totally boring to him, and he never ever ever talks about his day or what's going on in his life outside of school, and...

I really like him. I've spent--god, a year and a half of my life on this now. And I feel good around him, like he makes me really happy, and I love spending time together, but we never get to do that anymore. And, you know, the longer he goes without telling his family, the weirder it gets. And I'm trying so hard to not be weird about things, and to actually talk about things, and to generally not be such a spaz, but honestly, I'm not very good at relationships. Or even friendships. I'm pretty bad at socializing.

There's also the fact that I have issues with the idea of monogamy, and the practice of it is pretty difficult, which I never really realized until one of my friends came onto me right after Jesse and I started going out or whatever I'm supposed to call it (I don't even know, really, he asks me ridiculous questions all the time--or he used to, now he hardly speaks to me--and yet he talks his way around answering anything anyone ever asks him). And then: he is also seriously one of those "wait till marriage" guys. Seriously. I had no idea they even existed, but apparently, they do, and he is one of them. Except it is the most inconsistent and "letter of the law" kind of thing ever, because he is basically down for whatever except for straight up intercourse. Uh, dude, I'm pretty sure that's not how that is supposed to work, and that bothers me. I don't know why it does--no, of course I do, it's a strange form of hypocrisy, and it is all but inexplicable and it really bothers me.

I don't know, I just feel like I'm way more invested in this than he is, because seriously, my entire circle of friends and family has been aware of the situation since before it was really anything more than flirting, and apparently all his friends and family know is that I'm one of his friends from high school he now goes to college with.

It's entirely possible I'm just being ridiculous because I'm on my period, and it's entirely possible we'll start seeing each other more as the semester goes on and we both adjust to our new schedules, and it's entirely possible that he's told his family he's going out with the crazy liberal white chick from drama and they were a-ok with it, and it's entirely possible that if I mentioned one or all of these issues to him they would be resolved, but right now, it is stressing me out a little.

Which honestly, is stressing me out more, because he is one of my best friends and he has been for more than a year, and I've known him for four and a half years already and I'm really used to him being around, and I'm kind of scared to bring it up because what if I decide it's not ever going to really work in a way I can not stress out about? I mean, I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I know how he acts around girls who have broken up with him (as far as I can tell he has never been the one to do the breaking up) and let me tell you, the prospect does not look good. Which would make it pretty awkward for most of our friends, since basically everyone either of us hangs out with at school is friends with both of us.

And while I'm pretty sure I've got myself worked up over nothing right now, it's been making it hard for me to sleep lately, and I felt like I needed to get it down some place to feel better.

I know most of this entry makes it sound like he's the worst boyfriend (or whatever) ever, but really, he is super sweet, and funny, and chivalrous to the point where it's kind of annoying, and smarter than he gives himself credit for, and I have so much fun when I'm with him, or even just talking to him on the phone. I mean, he is one of my best friends. But it's really hard to focus on that when I never get to see him.

HOWEVER while I don't think I'll be seeing him tomorrow probably, I will definitely see him...basically all day Saturday, although that's at a show and our old high school, which means all our old high school friends, so I have little to no idea how much time I'll actually get to spend with him. Especially if he brings anyone in his family.

OKAY so that was your hormonal teenage girl rant for the year.

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