queenofzan (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
queenofzan) wrote2021-06-06 04:12 pm
queenofzan) wrote2021-06-06 04:12 pm
Entry tags:
puberty 2: this time it's personal
moving my transition blogging over from tumblr bc. let's face it dreamwidth has had a much more stable history than tumblr.
extremely long compilation of text posts under the cut!
May 27th, 2019 1:16:23am
my doc told me it would be a couple weeks before i started noticing effects from testosterone (do you not follow me elsewhere? bc i totally started testosterone this week whaaaaat) and yet
i’m still over here like IS THAT HAIR DARKER? IS MY SKIN OILIER?
Jun 8th, 2019 10:04:51pm
#tmi everyday
i’m not super into the libido+ i’ve had over the last week (and which will presumably continue for the forseeable future) BUT i just had a very satisfying orgasm that was NOT a pain in the ass to coordinate so, that’s nice
Jun 8th, 2019 11:13:15pm
yeah so, i started testosterone three weeks ago? i think i tweeted more about it than posted here. it was...much easier for me to get on hormones than it was for my wife. i kind of got the impression, from sitting through both the “feminizing” and “masculinizing” (ugh) hormone therapy orientation talks that testosterone is generally safer and better understood, which...isn’t really surprising i guess
so my bloodwork came back, my lipids/cholesterol were high but not enough to justify not giving me the hormone, just enough that my doc recommended i follow up with my pcp
i had to wait A WHOLE TWO EXTRA DAYS to get the hormones bc i think the pharmacy had to order the right size needles, and then i had them but i didn’t want to have to do injections on thursdays so i waited until i woke up on friday. so fridays are now Testosterone Days for me, and i had my third dose yesterday
i talked a little bit about being like IS THIS THE HORMONE WORKING YET re: skin and hair stuff. it’s possible i’m a little oilier but it’s also possible it’s summer and i have indifferent hygiene when i don’t have a job/school to regulate my schedule and remind me i need to be presentable
like i said i’m PRETTY SURE my steadily rising libido over the last week is a hormones thing. i have a high enough sex drive normally that it’s actually a relief that antidepressants do seem to damp it down a little, but that also means i’m pretty familiar with how even small hormonal changes with my meds/timing can, uh, ramp it up. earlier this week i wasn’t sure if it was just the right time in my bleeding-free cycle (lack of actual period makes it hard to keep track of) but i am pretty sure there is a substantitive difference in my physical experiences at this point
for instance, the easier-to-acquire clitoral orgasms i posited might happen! which is nice. i did not have to struggle to have a satisfying orgasm, i just, got horny, and stayed horny, and decided to go masturbate, and had a good time. wild.
that’s pretty much the only thing i could say for sure as yet, though. i mean i did get annoyed enough, looking at clothes and specifically tops earlier this week, to start doing research about breast reduction surgery, and not terribly shockingly, there are multiple surgeons in the twin cities who do it, at least two who specialize in gender confirmation surgeries, and at least two who take insurance, so, i’m thinking about that. idk if it would be a great idea to have a fairly major surgery during my first year of grad school but i guess 27.5 is my limit on putting up with it. (okay technically the limit is like 16? i think i got boobs when i was like 11, was excited for approximately a month, and then decided it sucked that running and physical activity was more difficult)
it DOES seem like it would be easier to get a reduction surgeon to agree to actually go as small as i want if i approach it through the gender lines, as opposed to the “i just need smaller boobs for my health” line--most of the people i saw online talked about having to argue with their surgeon or being unhappy with how big they remained after surgery. most plastic surgeons doing breast reductions are men. i’m sure those facts aren’t related in any way.
i would have to get a letter from my therapist in order to do it via gender confirmation coverage, but corliss already offered to write me whatever letters i need, and it sounded like i wouldn’t have to talk to her in too much detail about it if i didn’t want to, so that’s nice.
idk it sort of feels like, well if i’ve gotten the ball rolling on part of the gendershit, i might as well keep going
Jun 8th, 2019 11:59:38pm
late breaking transition news: just took a shower and apparently i am already seeing increased hair growth...on my inner thighs
i mean i have no objections but literally who is going to see that. i didn’t even notice it until i was fucking, showering
immediate effects of hormone: thing i wasn’t looking forward to, and thing i don’t care about. okay body, i see how it is
immediate reblog:
i don’t know why i said that like this is the first time my body has said “fuck u lol” like…ani you’re trans your body has been doing things you don’t care for your whole life
Jun 16th, 2019 2:49:40am
i did not anticipate being on testosterone giving me slightly more sympathy for teenage boys but here we are. christ i can’t imagine going through this as an actual teenager
immediate reblog:
not that things weren’t miserable as a teenage girl*. i did also make bad decisions based on my libido. i just never woke up from horniness
Jul 1st, 2019 1:21:07am
returning to the days of “wash face every night regardless of showering, then moisturize” has done a pretty good job getting the resurgence of acne under control. at least on my face. we need to wash our sheets if i am to have any hope of stemming the tide of body acne but, there are three disabled people in this house and we must prioritize
Jul 5th, 2019 8:53:57pm
just had my seventh dose of testosterone!
i have definitely noticed changes, and now my wife has definitely noticed visible changes. she pointed out earlier this week that the skin on my boobs was doing a weird thing with the follicles, like her skin does when the hair is about to grow back. judging by the pattern of follicles all over my chest and stomach which are now...idk, standing at attention? getting maybe a teeny bit dark as they maybe prepare a hair? i’m going to be fucking hairy from my clavicle all the way down to my already-extant happy trail (which has definitely gotten darker and added some more hairs to make it longer and also wider)
my leg hair is DEFINITELY darker, possibly thicker or more numerous? looks very hairy but very dark hair on very light skin already does that. still, it’s definitely more than it used to be.
the hair on my face and especially my upper lip is getting more but not darker, yet, except for that upper lip, which has almost started to look just like....dirty lmao
i am still fighting break-outs and oily skin the way i did as a teen, but that’s been pretty successful since i’ve been washing and moisturizing my face almost every night.
i feel like maybe my nipples look different? like...almost kind of deflated and wrinkly? not a lot, but if i just let the boobs do what they want, the nips look a little weird around the bottom and side. based on the most recent sex i had (this week) i would not say they are any less sensitive, so that’s nice.
i would definitely say, based also on the sex i had with my wife this week, that my clit has gotten bigger, bc she noticed it and commented on how i was definitely not imagining it. i took a look in the bathroom mirror when i went to shower and like...........it’s a pretty dramatic change for only seven weeks, tbh. i put pictures on up mastodon, you have to click through to see bc...it’s certainly a vulva https://octodon.social/@queenofzan/102387913002300966
still running a higher sex drive, may or may not have been extra moody/sensitive this week. hard to tell bc i also missed 2/3 days of my ssris due to refill shipping shenanigans. i definitely had a rough week, emotionally, but i could not say how much of that was testosterone.
unrelatedly i got a tetanus booster this week and it did not hurt nearly as much as i remembered it hurting, but then again, i’ve also been getting at least one injection a week for almost two months, so i might just be used to it lmao
Jul 18th, 2019 11:32:43am
last two orgasms weird in different ways and also ways that i don’t know if i could quantify or describe
Jul 23rd, 2019 11:30:06am
transition update
throat has been feeling weird, can’t tell if it’s my snoring problem (shouldn’t i be more sore?) or voice changing. making sure to sing in my upper range when possible anyway
nsfw text cut
orgasms continue to be weird, in a way i cannot really explain. taking longer again but also like......fucking amazing
Aug 3rd, 2019 9:18:53pm
#tmi #sex stuff
that orgasm was bomb but literally as soon as i stopped coming i became unavoidably aware of how sweaty i am and this is terrible
Aug 5th, 2019 3:31:42pm
i think i have finally determined that the weird thing my voice/throat is doing is a testosterone thing and not just a snoring thing. mostly bc it keeps happening long into the day, and no matter how much i hydrate.
so now i’m non-stop singing along to songs in my upper range so i don’t lose it lmao
immediate reblog:
the best part is how ozy sings along with me :)
Aug 6th, 2019 11:32:23pm
okay so since my voice has been breaking for like two weeks i just did some vocal warm ups, like i used to when i was singing, and i can already go lower than i used to be able to???
immediate reblog:
ozy keeps ruining my open mouth posture exercises by singing along and it makes me smile and fucks me up
Aug 7th, 2019 12:33:20am
#tmi
also the smell of my junk is different? like it’s changing? it’s not bad or anything but it is weird since....that hasn’t happened to me in like. fifteen years
i mean also my overall scent is changing but i was more prepared for that. i just didn’t think about how...hormonal changes physically changing my junk would necessarily change its smell
Aug 7th, 2019 3:26:05am
here’s a benefit that i do not think most teenage boys going through puberty take advantage of: every time i get loud and high in faux-outrage my voice cracks and it sounds MORE outraged
it rules
Sep 20th, 2019 10:24:13am
transition update: my voice constantly sounds fucked up, i can get almost an octave deeper, and now it is not just my inner thighs that are hairier
immediate reblog:
to clarify: i am now hairy above the knee just like. on my thighs. all around
Sep 28th, 2019 7:55:02pm
#tmi everyday
accidentally gave myself a higher dose of testosterone at least last week (possibly the week before as well, thanks shit memory) and i don’t know if this is related but
a: couldn’t tell my period was about to come/coming bc i was still horny af
b: just had the best fucking orgasm of my goddamn life i will never again achieve this kind of transcendental pleasure
anyway my voice is still fucked up and not getting better bc i don’t sing along at school/work
Dec 28th, 2019 7:29:39pm
my voice has now deepened to the point where i can shift songs DOWN an octave to sing them
not soprano songs. like tenor songs
i wish my voice didn’t sound like crap right now but i’m not against the results, i’m just impatient
Nov 15th, 2020 10:39:49pm
testosterone update: i now have shave like every week, but only my NECK because my body is PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS
still extremely sweaty, still extremely horny, voice is almost stable but i still can’t sing worth a damn in my old range (though i can now do BARITONE as well as still get my falsetto, so)
immediate reblog: also my tummy is fuzzy and i love it
Nov 21st, 2020 7:04:30pm
oh here’s a fun nsfw tmi transition update
so vibrators never really did anything for me before? like they would annoy me, mostly. even when i shelled out for a stronger, rumblier vibrator i was like, who on earth could possibly come from this
in the last year (so since starting t and being on a stable dose of it) suddenly vibrators work really well and i love them. like. the same busted vibes i gave up on before.
EXCEPT since they LANGUISHED IN MY HOME FOR SEVERAL YEARS without REGULAR USE they are now DYING and no longer last long enough/are strong enough to help
anyway i was prepared for the extra testosterone horniness but i was not prepared to have the nature of my relationship to vibrations change?
Dec 13th, 2020 6:03:04pm
#tmi everyday #transition stuff
before i started hrt i was like “i do not care much about bottom growth or surgery, my ideal junk is a fantasy situation unlikely to be achievable in my lifetime, who cares” but then...my clit grew three sizes and i was like “oh nice” actually
anyway i now unfortunately do have thing in common with cis men: care a lot about the size of my dick lmao
anyway current plan is simple meta but i strenuously do not want a mons resection so we’ll have to see how like. much that actually does
May 7th, 2021 3:18:29am
#nsfw text #tmi everyday #sex stuff
fun thing about being on t for almost two years now is how all the shit that absolutely did not work to get me off for the first 27 years of my life now work just fine
vibrators? i get it now. showerheads? now i understand.
but like legit this shit felt totally different two years ago, it was either fucking nothing or totally overstimulating to the point of pain. now it’s like everything is right in that sweet spot of “feels good, could stand to do it some more”
unfortunately my body has also decided that my previous lifestyle of “moderate numbers of orgasms but sometimes we’re not feeling it” wasn’t enough so now i’m out here with a fucking countdown. like there is no situation that is stressful or not sexy enough to make my body go longer than three days without jerking off.
May 24th, 2021 4:25:25am
the best part about testosterone is how cool it feels to sing baritone notes. no one told me i could create my own vibrations in my chest cavity if my voice dropped enough
extremely long compilation of text posts under the cut!
May 27th, 2019 1:16:23am
my doc told me it would be a couple weeks before i started noticing effects from testosterone (do you not follow me elsewhere? bc i totally started testosterone this week whaaaaat) and yet
i’m still over here like IS THAT HAIR DARKER? IS MY SKIN OILIER?
Jun 8th, 2019 10:04:51pm
#tmi everyday
i’m not super into the libido+ i’ve had over the last week (and which will presumably continue for the forseeable future) BUT i just had a very satisfying orgasm that was NOT a pain in the ass to coordinate so, that’s nice
Jun 8th, 2019 11:13:15pm
yeah so, i started testosterone three weeks ago? i think i tweeted more about it than posted here. it was...much easier for me to get on hormones than it was for my wife. i kind of got the impression, from sitting through both the “feminizing” and “masculinizing” (ugh) hormone therapy orientation talks that testosterone is generally safer and better understood, which...isn’t really surprising i guess
so my bloodwork came back, my lipids/cholesterol were high but not enough to justify not giving me the hormone, just enough that my doc recommended i follow up with my pcp
i had to wait A WHOLE TWO EXTRA DAYS to get the hormones bc i think the pharmacy had to order the right size needles, and then i had them but i didn’t want to have to do injections on thursdays so i waited until i woke up on friday. so fridays are now Testosterone Days for me, and i had my third dose yesterday
i talked a little bit about being like IS THIS THE HORMONE WORKING YET re: skin and hair stuff. it’s possible i’m a little oilier but it’s also possible it’s summer and i have indifferent hygiene when i don’t have a job/school to regulate my schedule and remind me i need to be presentable
like i said i’m PRETTY SURE my steadily rising libido over the last week is a hormones thing. i have a high enough sex drive normally that it’s actually a relief that antidepressants do seem to damp it down a little, but that also means i’m pretty familiar with how even small hormonal changes with my meds/timing can, uh, ramp it up. earlier this week i wasn’t sure if it was just the right time in my bleeding-free cycle (lack of actual period makes it hard to keep track of) but i am pretty sure there is a substantitive difference in my physical experiences at this point
for instance, the easier-to-acquire clitoral orgasms i posited might happen! which is nice. i did not have to struggle to have a satisfying orgasm, i just, got horny, and stayed horny, and decided to go masturbate, and had a good time. wild.
that’s pretty much the only thing i could say for sure as yet, though. i mean i did get annoyed enough, looking at clothes and specifically tops earlier this week, to start doing research about breast reduction surgery, and not terribly shockingly, there are multiple surgeons in the twin cities who do it, at least two who specialize in gender confirmation surgeries, and at least two who take insurance, so, i’m thinking about that. idk if it would be a great idea to have a fairly major surgery during my first year of grad school but i guess 27.5 is my limit on putting up with it. (okay technically the limit is like 16? i think i got boobs when i was like 11, was excited for approximately a month, and then decided it sucked that running and physical activity was more difficult)
it DOES seem like it would be easier to get a reduction surgeon to agree to actually go as small as i want if i approach it through the gender lines, as opposed to the “i just need smaller boobs for my health” line--most of the people i saw online talked about having to argue with their surgeon or being unhappy with how big they remained after surgery. most plastic surgeons doing breast reductions are men. i’m sure those facts aren’t related in any way.
i would have to get a letter from my therapist in order to do it via gender confirmation coverage, but corliss already offered to write me whatever letters i need, and it sounded like i wouldn’t have to talk to her in too much detail about it if i didn’t want to, so that’s nice.
idk it sort of feels like, well if i’ve gotten the ball rolling on part of the gendershit, i might as well keep going
Jun 8th, 2019 11:59:38pm
late breaking transition news: just took a shower and apparently i am already seeing increased hair growth...on my inner thighs
i mean i have no objections but literally who is going to see that. i didn’t even notice it until i was fucking, showering
immediate effects of hormone: thing i wasn’t looking forward to, and thing i don’t care about. okay body, i see how it is
immediate reblog:
i don’t know why i said that like this is the first time my body has said “fuck u lol” like…ani you’re trans your body has been doing things you don’t care for your whole life
Jun 16th, 2019 2:49:40am
i did not anticipate being on testosterone giving me slightly more sympathy for teenage boys but here we are. christ i can’t imagine going through this as an actual teenager
immediate reblog:
not that things weren’t miserable as a teenage girl*. i did also make bad decisions based on my libido. i just never woke up from horniness
Jul 1st, 2019 1:21:07am
returning to the days of “wash face every night regardless of showering, then moisturize” has done a pretty good job getting the resurgence of acne under control. at least on my face. we need to wash our sheets if i am to have any hope of stemming the tide of body acne but, there are three disabled people in this house and we must prioritize
Jul 5th, 2019 8:53:57pm
just had my seventh dose of testosterone!
i have definitely noticed changes, and now my wife has definitely noticed visible changes. she pointed out earlier this week that the skin on my boobs was doing a weird thing with the follicles, like her skin does when the hair is about to grow back. judging by the pattern of follicles all over my chest and stomach which are now...idk, standing at attention? getting maybe a teeny bit dark as they maybe prepare a hair? i’m going to be fucking hairy from my clavicle all the way down to my already-extant happy trail (which has definitely gotten darker and added some more hairs to make it longer and also wider)
my leg hair is DEFINITELY darker, possibly thicker or more numerous? looks very hairy but very dark hair on very light skin already does that. still, it’s definitely more than it used to be.
the hair on my face and especially my upper lip is getting more but not darker, yet, except for that upper lip, which has almost started to look just like....dirty lmao
i am still fighting break-outs and oily skin the way i did as a teen, but that’s been pretty successful since i’ve been washing and moisturizing my face almost every night.
i feel like maybe my nipples look different? like...almost kind of deflated and wrinkly? not a lot, but if i just let the boobs do what they want, the nips look a little weird around the bottom and side. based on the most recent sex i had (this week) i would not say they are any less sensitive, so that’s nice.
i would definitely say, based also on the sex i had with my wife this week, that my clit has gotten bigger, bc she noticed it and commented on how i was definitely not imagining it. i took a look in the bathroom mirror when i went to shower and like...........it’s a pretty dramatic change for only seven weeks, tbh. i put pictures on up mastodon, you have to click through to see bc...it’s certainly a vulva https://octodon.social/@queenofzan/102387913002300966
still running a higher sex drive, may or may not have been extra moody/sensitive this week. hard to tell bc i also missed 2/3 days of my ssris due to refill shipping shenanigans. i definitely had a rough week, emotionally, but i could not say how much of that was testosterone.
unrelatedly i got a tetanus booster this week and it did not hurt nearly as much as i remembered it hurting, but then again, i’ve also been getting at least one injection a week for almost two months, so i might just be used to it lmao
Jul 18th, 2019 11:32:43am
last two orgasms weird in different ways and also ways that i don’t know if i could quantify or describe
Jul 23rd, 2019 11:30:06am
transition update
throat has been feeling weird, can’t tell if it’s my snoring problem (shouldn’t i be more sore?) or voice changing. making sure to sing in my upper range when possible anyway
nsfw text cut
orgasms continue to be weird, in a way i cannot really explain. taking longer again but also like......fucking amazing
Aug 3rd, 2019 9:18:53pm
#tmi #sex stuff
that orgasm was bomb but literally as soon as i stopped coming i became unavoidably aware of how sweaty i am and this is terrible
Aug 5th, 2019 3:31:42pm
i think i have finally determined that the weird thing my voice/throat is doing is a testosterone thing and not just a snoring thing. mostly bc it keeps happening long into the day, and no matter how much i hydrate.
so now i’m non-stop singing along to songs in my upper range so i don’t lose it lmao
immediate reblog:
the best part is how ozy sings along with me :)
Aug 6th, 2019 11:32:23pm
okay so since my voice has been breaking for like two weeks i just did some vocal warm ups, like i used to when i was singing, and i can already go lower than i used to be able to???
immediate reblog:
ozy keeps ruining my open mouth posture exercises by singing along and it makes me smile and fucks me up
Aug 7th, 2019 12:33:20am
#tmi
also the smell of my junk is different? like it’s changing? it’s not bad or anything but it is weird since....that hasn’t happened to me in like. fifteen years
i mean also my overall scent is changing but i was more prepared for that. i just didn’t think about how...hormonal changes physically changing my junk would necessarily change its smell
Aug 7th, 2019 3:26:05am
here’s a benefit that i do not think most teenage boys going through puberty take advantage of: every time i get loud and high in faux-outrage my voice cracks and it sounds MORE outraged
it rules
Sep 20th, 2019 10:24:13am
transition update: my voice constantly sounds fucked up, i can get almost an octave deeper, and now it is not just my inner thighs that are hairier
immediate reblog:
to clarify: i am now hairy above the knee just like. on my thighs. all around
Sep 28th, 2019 7:55:02pm
#tmi everyday
accidentally gave myself a higher dose of testosterone at least last week (possibly the week before as well, thanks shit memory) and i don’t know if this is related but
a: couldn’t tell my period was about to come/coming bc i was still horny af
b: just had the best fucking orgasm of my goddamn life i will never again achieve this kind of transcendental pleasure
anyway my voice is still fucked up and not getting better bc i don’t sing along at school/work
Dec 28th, 2019 7:29:39pm
my voice has now deepened to the point where i can shift songs DOWN an octave to sing them
not soprano songs. like tenor songs
i wish my voice didn’t sound like crap right now but i’m not against the results, i’m just impatient
Nov 15th, 2020 10:39:49pm
testosterone update: i now have shave like every week, but only my NECK because my body is PLAYING WITH MY EMOTIONS
still extremely sweaty, still extremely horny, voice is almost stable but i still can’t sing worth a damn in my old range (though i can now do BARITONE as well as still get my falsetto, so)
immediate reblog: also my tummy is fuzzy and i love it
Nov 21st, 2020 7:04:30pm
oh here’s a fun nsfw tmi transition update
so vibrators never really did anything for me before? like they would annoy me, mostly. even when i shelled out for a stronger, rumblier vibrator i was like, who on earth could possibly come from this
in the last year (so since starting t and being on a stable dose of it) suddenly vibrators work really well and i love them. like. the same busted vibes i gave up on before.
EXCEPT since they LANGUISHED IN MY HOME FOR SEVERAL YEARS without REGULAR USE they are now DYING and no longer last long enough/are strong enough to help
anyway i was prepared for the extra testosterone horniness but i was not prepared to have the nature of my relationship to vibrations change?
Dec 13th, 2020 6:03:04pm
#tmi everyday #transition stuff
before i started hrt i was like “i do not care much about bottom growth or surgery, my ideal junk is a fantasy situation unlikely to be achievable in my lifetime, who cares” but then...my clit grew three sizes and i was like “oh nice” actually
anyway i now unfortunately do have thing in common with cis men: care a lot about the size of my dick lmao
anyway current plan is simple meta but i strenuously do not want a mons resection so we’ll have to see how like. much that actually does
May 7th, 2021 3:18:29am
#nsfw text #tmi everyday #sex stuff
fun thing about being on t for almost two years now is how all the shit that absolutely did not work to get me off for the first 27 years of my life now work just fine
vibrators? i get it now. showerheads? now i understand.
but like legit this shit felt totally different two years ago, it was either fucking nothing or totally overstimulating to the point of pain. now it’s like everything is right in that sweet spot of “feels good, could stand to do it some more”
unfortunately my body has also decided that my previous lifestyle of “moderate numbers of orgasms but sometimes we’re not feeling it” wasn’t enough so now i’m out here with a fucking countdown. like there is no situation that is stressful or not sexy enough to make my body go longer than three days without jerking off.
May 24th, 2021 4:25:25am
the best part about testosterone is how cool it feels to sing baritone notes. no one told me i could create my own vibrations in my chest cavity if my voice dropped enough