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[personal profile] queenofzan
even though i know it logically doesn't follow, because the only reason i even know what shits my siblings are is because my dad died, i really wish he were still alive so i could talk to him about this

mom is too forgiving, she gives people the benefit of the doubt. dad would understand the need to hold a grudge, even if he disagreed. he understood that sometimes it doesn't matter if people's intentions are good or if they're family, you still gotta sigh loudly and say "NO, --"

anyway my sister's a transmisogynist who refuses to listen even though she hates it when people interrupt her, and my brother is literally the dumbass criminal who keeps getting caught for the same stupid small-time crimes, and both of them are too selfish to help the rest of the people in the family, including our parents, including their baby sister, and like, the older i get the less it's like "well maybe adulthood is a thing i don't understand" and more like "my siblings are jerks"

like honestly this hurts more than realizing my parents had faults, bc lol my parents always seemed human to me, i was the kid left at home after my siblings moved out, i was the one who went through the divorce with them, i was the one literally starving with them, it wasn't hard to see them struggle or have faults. but my siblings are the ones who took care of me when i was a kid. they were ten and fifteen years older than me, they were cool, they had their own lives but they were so proud of me and supportive, and then it turns out that expired when i stopped being cute

bc like, birthday phone calls are not the same as support, they don't make up for refusing to listen, for refusing to acknowledge that they might be wrong, for lying to my face and to our mom's face, they don't make up for taking advantage of our parents and monopolizing their attention during the years i needed them most literally having day long mental breakdowns and living in a fucking slum

like i got holes in my face ultimately because i admired my siblings, i chose my high school based on the suggestions of my siblings, i listened to their problems when they were adults and i was the fucking child, i made excuses to our family for them, and they apparently don't give more of a shit about my feelings and my life than a phone call once a year

it sucks! it sucks because most of my family is good! even the hellishly abusive aunt offered me support when i needed it most and made sure i had a place to stay and food to eat and socialization! it sucks because i thought once i was an adult they would actually treat me like an equal instead of like a baby! but i guess! even when you're a 39 or 34 year old with a kid or a job or a house! your baby sister couldn't possibly not be a child anymore or ever have a point or ever be worth listening to!

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queenofzan

September 2016

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