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[personal profile] queenofzan
So this has been The Worst Year (tm). Things had been rough since we moved from Phoenix to Minneapolis, just because, well, they were. Turns out I get the SAD pretty bad when I live somewhere with a real winter, and so does Grem. But Glo and Grem both went back to school, and I was getting occasional union jobs, ie jobs that actually pay enough to live on for a few weeks afterward, and we were figuring things out, right.

And then my family members started dying.

First, while I was working a fairly long term job that paid real well but also had me working under the Draper From Hell, one of my uncles died. And not one of the crappy ones, one of the two good ones, that wasn't an alcoholic or a jerk. He also happened to be my mom's youngest brother, and the first one in her family since her dad to die. She kinda lost it, so I was obliged to keep it together, while also being the only one in the family doing a full time job thing. I missed the funeral stuff because of work, and Glo made multiple trips to Milwaukee on her own (which is like a 6 hour drive). Fun times.

Then it got worse! During the summer we all basically had no source of income, and eked out a continued existence by taking turns paying bills so nothing got shut off, and going hungry instead of eating, so we would have enough money to pay rent for the slum we were living in.

Then Glo got a nice job, and I was offered a place for the season at the Opera, and my father died. Literally the day after I signed the contract, my first day off, I got woken up at two a.m. and then again at six by different phone calls about my dad being first in the hospital, then not going to make it.

I think it was the next week that we had to go to eviction court, because the slumlords were/presumably still are scum, and again I had to hold it together more than I cared to because mom started crying about the last time she did this my dad was there with her. We ended up paying an obnoxious amount of money to settle, because we had already decided with both of us employed and our lease up at the end of the next month, there was no point in putting ourselves through more missed work and court hassle. So the month after my dad died, we spent house hunting.

We found a place, we moved, it was stressful but not horrible, we both missed the funeral because we couldn't really afford to move and fly to Phoenix, and also, I didn't want to go, because I could not stand the thought of so many people being fake as hell about my dad. I didn't want to deal with all these people acting sad when they didn't do a damn thing for him when he was alive. I also didn't really want to deal with people other than like. My mom acting like their pain was equivalent to mine, which is a shitty thing, but like, he was my fucking dad and I can be ugly and petty in grief if I need to be.

Then I had a six-week layoff over the holidays, which was awful, because when my mental health is already taking a hit, unemployment is basically the worst thing ever for me. It was bad enough to the point that I struggled with getting to work on time/at all, which of course only made the problem worse. I had to talk to my supervisor and try to figure out accommodations and it was really hard and awful and I spent like an entire day crying and having a panic attack about it.

Then my grandma died. Again, not the shitty one, but the one I liked and had been writing letters and thank you cards to, in probably the most effort to stay in touch with someone I have ever made.

The rest of this horribleness is too recent for me to have much coherent to say about it. Just as I was getting my feet under me after the third death in my family in like nine months, I slipped outside and cracked my ribs, which basically made me physically unable to work. I had to quit my job, because it became clear that the universe wanted me to take a fucking break. I'm still in enough pain from my ribs and the funeral last weekend (and the flights, which are so amazingly not fun when you have broken bones) that I haven't really started feeling hopelessly useless from unemployment. The funeral weekend was a disaster, with the awkward funeral mass and subsequent reception being kind of the high point. People got disowned, people moved out, people turned out to be secret transmisogynists, it was a trainwreck. Today was the first day since we flew back that I didn't sleep at least twelve hours.

Having all this down in one place as a narrative really helps me convince myself that I'm not overreacting. It's really hard to be like "I'm just too crazy to be a real adult" when like. The entire world has been non-stop awful to me and my family.

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queenofzan

September 2016

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